So, so, so about to burst into tears.
I have so much to do, no time to it in and I can't find my cell phone. Dammit.
Meh, here's my year in fic, in which I wrote things that sucked, that were good, and some things that I know I'll despise within a year's time.
1. Stories Written: I have separated them as best as I could, because I can.
150 Cigarettes Later (Faith/Wes, R)
5 Double Shot Drabbles (multiple pairings, R)
And Dance by the Light (Buffy/Angel, NC 17)
Apropos Dreaming (Cordelia Fic, PG 13)
Beyond Ragnorak (implied Buffy/Angel/Spike, R)
dreams of otherworlds (Buffy/Angel, R)
fragmented mercy (Angel/Spike, NC 17)
Heal (Buffy/Angelus, NC 17)
Good Mary (Backstory piece about Will's mother, PG 13)
Sea Calm (Will/Elizabeth, implied Jack/Elizabeth, Jack/Will, R)
The O.C.: 3
Word Porn, Co-Written by MollyTM (aka torchthisnow (Ryan/Seth, NC 17)
Night and a Fall (Kirsten/Ryan, PG 13)
Beginnings (Seth/Ryan, Seth/Summer, Seth/Anna, R)
Spectre (Brian/Justin, NC 17)
Five Drabbles Outlining Perfect Happiness (BtVS/AtS, Farscape, PotC, and The O.C.)
Drabble Porn (BtVS/AtS, Harry Potter, Farscape)
(heh, those are so not 'actual' drabbles, more like short ficlets/drabblets)
Icon Drabbles: 3
- Wishverse!Buffy, Buffy/Angel "Amends', Frida Kahlo
Like a Broken Record (Remus/Sirius, PG 13)
Of Sugar and Clichés (Sirius/Remus, R)
I Am (Remus, R)
...there is a world (Remus/Sirius, PG 13)
spark of memory infinite (Remus/Sirius, R)
The Future is Ours (Remus/Sirius, PG 13)
El Tango De Sirius (Remus/Sirius, NC 17)
all fall down (Remus/Sirius, R)
Joy, in a Misplaced Key (drabble)
Five Ways to Kill Remus J. Lupin, Professor (PG 13)
Fucking Sirius Black (Remus/Sirius, R/Other, S/Other, NC 17)
where the skin has forgotten you (Remus/Sirius, NC 17)
The Light Fantastic (Remus/Sirius, NC 17)
In Delirium: Marauders (Remus/Sirius, James/Lily, R)
A Christmas Memory (Remus/Sirius, mild R)
(Delayed) Fic Project: 33 (or 22, if A Fractured Fairytale is a cohesive story)
A Fractured Fairytale (or a 12 dozen drabbles)
11 BtVS/AtS Drabbles
10 Endings to 10 Stories That Never Happened
Um, so that's quite a bit. And that's a WHOLE lotta porn there. Huh. I have no idea including drabbles and other things I just don't have noted in my memories, but I'll say I did around 60ish, which isn't too bad.
2. Stories that went through the beta process:
Oh for fuck...anyone that gets credited in my author's notes. Yeah. Um. Okay. Letsee.
faith_girl222 was kind enough to look over Of Sugar and Cliches, El Tango De Sirius, all fall down, and </b>where the skin has forgotten you</b>.
stars91 looked over my rough first draft of In Delirium: Maruaders, as I needed just to get someone's reaction to the structure of the story.
leelee_cakes helped me deal with my squickiest fic ever, wherein I was too a bit too freaked out to really be able to fine-tune the story, and she gave most excellent recommendations when I was finalizing Heal.
3. Stories that weren't betaed:
Um. Everything else. Yeah. That's about right.
4. My favorite:
Dude, not fucking fair. I adore fragmented mercy for the structure, it was difficult trying to make sure that the two moments folded on top of each other actually worked while the sex was still *ahem* involving. Okay, okay, I need to think fairly. For BtVS, I was most proud of 150 Cigarettes Later because I love second-person POV, and I love Faith and dammit, the story works. Beyond Ragnorak is also dear to my heart.
Of Sugar and Clichés was just a delight to write, mainly because I was still in that happy shiny first wading pool moment of OTPing, and I liked slyly mocking all the tired old standbys in fanfic, while vaguely endorsing the intended purpose. And it's happy, which is um, hard for me to do, but rather pleasant to see once the editing's done.
But my favorite is all fall down because OMG TEH ANGST!!111one. Broken!Dark!Evil! Agressive (While-Still-Passive-Agressive!) Remus. The end of the first war! Sex with a woman and calling her Sirius (oooh, burn!). Sex with Sirius without mending their shattered relationship! Oh god yes. Yessss. Plus I like the sparseness and the impersonal tone, I worked really hard to get it just right. I recognize most people do not care for darkfic, that's fine, for it really is my cup of tea, and that it's not a very inviting story, but dammit, I adore it deeply. In Delirium is still too young for me to really judge if it'll be a favorite, though.
5. My best:
What does it mean to be 'the best'? The one that stands out, that has everything?
I can't really say. But my best work has been in stories like 150 Cigarettes Later. It has everything I wanted and needed in the story and it works.
Night and a Fall was really, really, really hard to write. First of all, that request? Made me very confuzzled. (For I thought it mean pairing-wise, but I think the person only meant 'these two people in a fic.') But I peeled away at the characters, wrote the story at a later time period, and huh, it not only worked, I made it oddly interesting, despite how very wrong it should be. I mean...Kirsten and Ryan having any kind of romantic feeling should be *shudder* but I think it's rather bittersweet. Plus, hurt!Ryan, it's very much a traditional hurt/comfort fic, except that it isn't. Someday, when I remember how to write Seth again, there shall be a Ryan/Seth sequel. Oh yes.
While I don't think of In Delirium as a favorite quite yet, it is certainly one of my better ones, because I'm rather proud of my characters' voices, of the first section with a sort of JKR-ish narrator tone, and the shock of the ending, with the realization of what Remus is so willing to do.
But where the skin has forgotten you truly incorporated everything I wanted to say about Remus/Sirius, wrapped up in one porntastic bow.
fragmented mercy and Beyond Ragnorak are also stories that I feel are up to the best of my ability.
6. Most fun story:
Easy. El Tango De Sirius. Sirius giving Remus a painful dance lesson, witty/playful banter, a little sexing up against a wall, full out mansexing, and happiness. There is nothing here to strike fear, save for Sirius's mad idea of how to instruct and Remus's tendency to stomp on Sirius's foot.
Although Word Porn, for the sheer insanity of it, the overloaded pop-culture references, the inability of Seth shutting up while Ryan is trying to fuck him, that one is also quite fun.
7. Most sexy story:
Now, I wonder if this 'a story wherein there is lots of sex' or a story that is 'hot.' I don't ever really think of my fic as sexy even when it's quite graphic, I sort of separate myself from that, or I'd never get through the smut without blushing or worrying if it's 'hot enough' for others. And Dance by the Light is shameless, shameless, and without shame, a story all about the sensations and the act of lovemaking. El Tango is not only about the quips, but also using that tired but true metaphor of dancing in relation to sex. And there's sex too. I personally think where the skin has forgotten you is my 'most sexy story' considering it's my longest sex scene written, and well, it's kinda about that, discovering each other through not only the memories, but the body.
8. Most difficult story to write:
I already mentioned Night and a Fall and that was mostly due to the confusion - I thought I needed to sell Kirsten/Ryan, but I had to do it in a way so not to dismiss or fuck up Kirsten/Sandy, a pairing which I not only adore, but would be horrified to think of as being in an unhappy marriage. So somehow, I managed to explain it all without overloading on exposition, I felt I got Kirsten's emotional state right along with hurt!Ryan, and yeah, it was just a kiss, and just some good old fashioned hurt/comfort, but it's loving without disregarding Sandy AND leaving me an opening to pursue Ryan/Seth if I so choose.
where the skin has forgotten you was horrific in its own way, I lost a LARGE chunk of writing, which royally pissed me off, and I got stuck halfway through a sex scene. Plus I had difficulty writing the 'Peter' scenes, although I'm content with the final version.
Heal didn't take too long, but I just felt wrong writing it because er, it contained a major grossout part for me.
9. Most unintentionally *telling* story: The Details.
Um. Yeah. I don’t know.
10. Favorite Line:
Yeah, I’m so picking out some lameass shit:
The Light Fantastic:
A long smear of blood, somewhat fresh, against a scarred expanse of skin, paler than milk, nothing like moonlight (no, not that, the skin wouldn't dare allow a mere second of irony to pass here), scars bent silvery like the faintest wisps of a Patronus cloud, others red and raw, like fresh meat, newly torn from aching flesh. Beauty itself. Such a thing that cannot be seen, but must be tasted, experienced. Conquered. It is unconquerable. It is his alone to see. He is sure of it when he spies the slight tremble of flesh, not a reaction to the cold outdoors, but to the exposure of a body long hidden, this body, this heart, laid bare for him.
If time itself would stop, it would be here, if all of his memories should be eroded, if he will forget everything, this is all he asks: to always see him like this - exposed, pure, and a such a sight that can never be seen by anyone save him. It is a selfish wish, a desperate wish, yet he makes it all the same, to keep it wrapped so tightly in his heart that the words will not last and only the sight shall exist, never altered or corroded by time.
"If you bloody shuffle one more time, I'll shuffle you off the mortal coil."
"There is to be no maiming, poisoning, cursing, hexing, or otherwise incapacitating of the best man until after the wedding."
spark of memory infinite:
And he stands in destruction and the laugh rips apart the world until it is nothing save the strained screaming of shattered memories.
where the skin has forgotten you:
It is not a connection, it is oblivion, a concentrated series of senses jumbled and hysterical, images distorted and poorly rendered, and bitter recollections, shifted and scattered not unlike a meager collection of fallen leaves, forever altered by autumn.
This is not truth, not truth at all, as they move fiercely, determinedly, lost to the crests and falls of each other, but caught in the undertow of Remus's mind. It is not objective and impartial like the pensieve, it is faulty, partial, fragmentary. But it is Remus, across time itself, what remains in the wake of all that has been destroyed.
Across the persistence of memory, defying the boundary of time, mired in these amplified sensations, Remus is alive.
And Sirius comes alive, even his sorely felt absence in these shattered images is vibrant and living. In the wildness laid bare, the monster waiting to strike them apart, there is life, uncertain, mad, angry, and always *there.*
all fall down:
Betrayal tastes like falling down.
It is like a blind leap and the landing is among the wreckage.
It is like a metaphor that cannot come close to describing what it is.
They're dead. It wasn't supposed to be like this.
Not like this.
dreams of otherworlds:
They create as many stories necessary to survive.
She's almost normal and almost real, she can taste it, sharp on the edge of her tongue. When she closes her eyes, she is no one and she is just a girl. It is wonderful.
She grows old in cold places lost to snows and howling winds, and her joints ache, and she eventually gives up Slaying, and soon waits for nothing in particular, knowing that nothing shall come to her.
As the darkness floods her vision, she lets one fracture in her heart loosen, and darkly wonders if he'll keep watch over her eternal winter grave.
The truth of the matter waits buried beneath deceptions and mirror tricks. It is not that spectacular. There are no exotic settings, no mundane moments, no particular revelations. It is not hazy and imperfect as a dream, with all the vague promises that this will work. That isn't how reality works and that isn't how they understand each other.
He returns to her and she returns to him. They stay together or they don't. They exchange bitter words or sweet nothings.
The truth of the matter is this: they loved, they love, and they still do.
In the distance, whether in the deserts of lost time, the suburbs of frozen mundane reality, the chaos of hectic cities, the dreams of beautiful otherworlds, in all these places, they are there, no longer waiting, forever linked, and perhaps, they are smiling, for even in death, in endings, there is still hope.