This TARDIS icon is how my brain feels.
I'm still aching from it. Will probably get over it in a week's time or I'll just be miserable for a very long time.
If I think on it, I just get more depressed. In a good way.
Even wrote a post-Doomsday fic. Which I will never, ever post. Mostly because it was just Rose in the Alt!verse, trying to live her new life. And um, she meets up with John Crichton and Aeryn Sun (yes I know, I'm a dork, shut up), while she's working at Torchwood, and John's pretending to work for IASA (he accidentally traveled to an unrealized Earth and was stuck for some months). John then invites her to travel with them aboard Moya and Rose says yes.
Because traveling, yes. She's going dream of it, when she's not dreaming of the Doctor.
I wrote a bit of a suggestion of potential for somehow managing to make her way back to the Doctor from John's comments (because John is a fucking girl and knows what it's like to be separated by the person he loves and did I mention he's a girl?). But I'd end the fic on a melancholy note.
That is, if I were to finish it.
Which I'm not.
No, I've got to hastily alter my thoughts on an actual plot-tastic John-as-Companion fic. Because Angsty!John and Emo!Doctor would be awesome together. Seriously. They've both in Dumpsville, Population: Them. It'll be delicious to write. John all crazy, the Doctor slightly reckless and desperate. Utterly shattered and returning to their own obsessions. John and his wormholes. The Doctor and his eternal wanderlust.
Fuck, a quick note to self:
Please do NOT even think of slashing the Doctor and John Crichton. That is fucking sick. It is wrong.
I don't care how difficult and therefore, exciting, it would be to attempt that. Stop it.
I think as a whole I liked S1 much better. The arc was far more powerful on an intellectual level.
Watching Rose do something horrible and terrible and just completely wonderful and gah, it was so stupid and bless her, it had to be done.
It was just a beautiful story for the Doctor. His decision NOT to do what he should do (unleash the delta wave), deciding to be a coward over killer and then comes his beautiful TARDIS and Bad Wolf!Rose, who sees the whole of existence and knows that everything, everything must come to dust.
Gah. The Parting of the Ways is fantastic.
I'm so emotionally crushed right now by Doomsday that I don't know how I'll feel about it later. I loved a lot of S2. There were obviously problems (fucking Lumic, Love and Monsters, characterization continuity) and I think with time (heh, the irony) I'll have a better idea of how I feel about.
Things I do know: I fucking love David Tennant and his portrayal of the Doctor. I saw the Ninth Doctor's eps in such a quick succession, I knew he was going before I was even interested in watching the series, back in 2005. So I didn't get attached, even though I adore the Ninth Doctor like whoa.
I'm watching the S1 Confidentials as I type this up and I just saw the one for Bad Wolf and the "Rose, I'm coming to get you" and how could Rose not love him? She doesn't love him at first sight. It's not anything as trite as that. It's something that, for me, just grew and expanded and worked. How could anyone not love him and I know Rose is young and she's stubborn and gah, it's wrong and she can't keep him. It's part of the Peter Pan thing. It's part of the problem of two people on unequal footing falling for one another. It's glorious and it's an old story and I love it so fucking much. It's why the end of S2 is so devastating.
School Reunion, y'all. Her question to Sarah Jane. When do I know when to leave? She never got to the point where she had to, or wanted to, decide it was time for her to depart. She choose him. Over everything. But she had to save the world first, had to pull the damn lever back up and she was going to be sucked in hell.
She's going to die for choosing him.
Then the Prophecy is averted. Alt!Pete comes back (I totally think Jackie went on a major rampage/rant after he refused to try to get Rose back and he wisely choose to attempt to get Rose lest he face the fury of Jackie).
Oh man, I still hurt just thinking about it. It's going to be an uphill battle for her to live the fantastic life that Nine urged her to live. She wasn't able to then because she knew, because it was destined, she would go back to him. She would look into the heart of the TARDIS and it would look back into her.
This time, it was destiny averted. She survived. And there's no way to come back. Yes, she got a goodbye, a confession and she didn't hear the words he was going to say (oh, I can't believe he wasn't going to say those words, you can't convince me that the next words were NOT 'I love you'), but she knew. She knows, he said once, and I wanted to thunk him on the head for it. He's such a wonderful schmuck.
And it still fucking hurts, even with a goodbye that she needed to hear, because she's young and she's not ready yet and she aches.
Fuck me, I'm supposed to trying to regain a measure of calm about this ending. It really is, for all that I feared, better in a way. There's a potential for her to have something wonderful. To be the Defender of Earth. To be utterly fantastic. But Christ, she's broken in her last moments that we see her.
You know all that chatter about hubris and how the Doctor and Rose were going to pay?
Isn't that pretty much, like the ultimate punishment?
The knowledge of being cut off forever and knowing you have to go on, but you just fucking can't. And I'm worried, because Rose is hard-headed (that's why I flove her) and I have no idea if she's ever going to really be able to come to terms with it.
I have no doubt about the Doctor. Hello, there's S3 and he's not going to be Emo all over the place. Just not possible. I'm really not holding out for any big angsty moments from him, mostly because if I did hope for some lovely Rose!angst and there were NO mentions or moments in S3 and it was all bright and shiny, then I'm just setting myself up to get really annoyed. And I do not set myself up for being annoyed when I watch Doctor Who on purpose.
No, I set myself up to get utterly crushed.
It's okay though. I do this all the time. Hell, I write this shit all the time. I've written some dark ass fic and original stuff and I end this horribly and I always add on a happy or bittersweet ending to the story because it's not over, even when there's an ending. We saw the end of Rose's story yes, onscreen. But there are a thousand unrealized realities out there. That is what I believe.
In my mind, I can write Rose coming to terms with having told the last of her stories with the Doctor.
Because now she's free to run off with Alt!verse Captain Jack (where the Time Agents were not bastards who stole his memories and where he's still an omnisexual intergalatic slut and he senses something about her and she's totally appreciate of a tech-loving, shameless, leads-with-his-pelvis man who has has the potential to be a true hero) and have time-traveling, sexy adventures. ;-)
Hey, we all have methods of coping.
I need to watch some Supernatural and