I was a taller girl too, once. (regala_electra) wrote,
I was a taller girl too, once.
regala_electra

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The Winchester Guide to Haunted Vaginas (Warning: Crack Ahoy)

I may have agreed to write a fic in honor of one of the most horrible comic books ever written. Which you can see here but um, do not click if you are faint of heart. I may also be high on tea and scones right now and possibly hallucinating. Whatever. I blame cathybites for staring it, memphis86 for encouraging it (but I do not blame her for doing an awesome beta to help curb my tea-induced madness), and I blame...the Winchester boys for this type of case being right up their alley. Sadly I could not turn this into a proper fic, so instead I created a handy tutorial for what to do in case of haunted vagina.

Seriously.

And now I bring you...

The Winchester Guide to:
Haunted Vaginas



Materials You Will Need:
    - Gloves
    - Holy water-based lubricant
    - Dental Dam marked with Devil's Trap (aka "Key of Solomon", if you remember your original canon)
    - Vitamins
    - Dean Winchester

Instructions:

1. Inform scantily clad damsel (or in case of mangina, ladyboy) in distress that they have to get out of here ("here" being the location where the vagina in question has become haunted). Delicately inform the damsel (or mansel) that her/his vagina is haunted.

2. Wait for her (him) to regain consciousness.

3. If she is wearing a sheer white nightie (more likely than you'd think) make sure vagina is only at a low level of haunting through scientific means involving a strobe light and techno music as super-haunted vaginas love to rave. A high level of haunting means that you should run. Run away fast!

4. Your motel is an excellent location for an exorcism if you are too far away from Bobby's panic room. (Note: do not call Bobby in advance if you are going to exorcise a haunted vagina. He loves being surprised.)

5. As per rules of the coin toss in '05, all vagina-related cases belong to Dean Winchester.

6. Sam may leave to angstily do Evil Deeds with Ruby. Or he may excuse himself to the kitchenette for a light snack.

7. Using the aforementioned materials, the careful process of de-possession shall begin once everyone is settled in their respective roles. Damsel: lying on bed. Dean: gloves on, dental dam stretched out, kneeling over haunted vagina. Sam: snack or evil time.

8. Please work within salt lines to prevent outside interference. Earmuffs may be worn to keep background noise from distracting the delicate task of de-haunting vagina.

9. In cause of an inability to find the apex of haunting, the following diagram is provided:


(Note: Diagram not to scale.)

10. It may take many, many tries to save the vagina. Rest when necessary and take vitamins to bolster strength in your time of heroism. Remember Red Bull will only make the haunting stronger as Red Bull is of demonic origins.

11. Try not to jizz in your pants.

12. There is no shame in crymaxing.

13. When finished, find Sam. Chide him for going darkside again or for eating all the crunchy peanut butter.

14. Never again utter a single word about vaginas. Unless they are haunted and in need of rescue.

Tags: crackfic, fic, spn fic
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