And my reading list was way outdated. I didn't have a chance to finish Don Quixote over the summer, that mother freller was huuuuge and very cumbersome to read at work and at night. And I'm currently battling The Faerie Queene.
So Spenser, y'all? Very fond of teh crack.
But my professor rocks and referenced Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead and OMG, so awesome. I adore that movie. And not just for the naked, wet Oldman. I am not vain. And I have frequently been ON boats, however do I believe that England is just a conspiracy of cartographers.
Dammit, I love that line.
Am writing YET ANOTHER mildly dark and oh so painful Remus/Sirius fic. Again exploring memories and scars. Yes, I have very obvious kinks.
You know you're a p0rn addict when you do orignal character stuff (oh so shiny and much less evil original story idea, I love thee ever so) and start writing in smutty scenes for them and just no. No. Stop it.
I haven't even gotten to the good stuff yet, the torture, horror, and drama! Hell, she hasn't even started seeing a walking corpse following her, so no happiness for her yet!
Feeling vaguely in a BtVS/AtS mood too. May try to finish up a Faith/Wes piece or try to get that Buffy/Wes fixed up, I have to scrap the beginning and start almost from scratch.
Or I could torture Remus some more.
I think about stuff sometimes. Like bunnies. Or what exactly is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow.
And I try to pay attention at work and in classes, but sometimes, I do admit, I write stuff in class. The final product is almost always different from the handwritten versions.
But I'm getting off my ponderings.
Which isn't really possible, so yes, I'm a dumbass.
I don't consider myself an angst writer. I always think of negative connatations with that word; I guess I glutted myself on too much B/A angstfic in my early days of fic reading (forgive me) and I tend to think I've become more demanding in what I read and what I write.
Plus I think that angsty = melodramatic and overwhelmingly overblown emotions.
So I actually looked up the work and duh, of course it's linked to anxiety. Not exactly what I originally thought of it as, it doesn't automatically mean Angel hysterically sobbing over Buffy's stuffed animal Gordo after he learns she's dead. God, I think that's an actualy fic.
So I thought about it. Are my characters that I tend to write about very anxious? That's a very different point. In fact, the 'darker' my story, the grimmer the character, they almost invite whatever comes their way and go throughout the story with deadened emotions. Not what I would classify as 'anxious.'
In fact, I often think that a dark story is when a character is completely aware of his or her own emotions and his or her purpose in the world, and knows it to be completely fucked up or hopeless and goes on anyway, aware of the human condition, but almost rejecting their own frailities as humans.
I use human in a generic sense, as I write about mystical creatures (vampires, werewolves, wizards) and aliens. Heh.
That doesn't mean the pain isn't felt or obvious in the story, I do try to make it comes across in the words, but I don't think I write characters that are particularly anxious about it all. If they're anxious, they tend to be going a bit crazy (hullo Angel of Betrayer!)
I remember someone once called my fic bleak. (That was two of my first Farscape fics.) I think that's partly true. I make it so that the characters almost refuse to find 'the silver lining' that they are as damned as possible and they must accept the moment they live in or have nothing at all.
But I do see hope. Because I'm weird.
Writing darker fiction is a catharis for me, to write a story where the world has ended, everything is over and will always be over (Beyond Ragnarok) is far more interesting to explore and frankly, I enjoy it a whole lot. I don't torture my characters without reason, I often think that if I was just a plain old torturer, Wesley would have dead at the end of Betrayer and Buffy would have stayed with Angel.
I mean, aren't they prettier in pain? Faith is the surpreme example, because she's never the victim, even with a knife in her stomach, but there is so much depth in that, that twisted joy, the violent shock, and underneath it all, a trace of vunerability, so yes, let's use words to tear her apart and reconfigure her and in the story, she will get a happily ever after, she may not in fact, ever get an ending.
And then there's Sirius of Harry Potter. Who once was almost annoyingly full of life, so brash that he gave no considering of others (as per our vision of him in OotP), and then, what remains later in the series and what can be gleaned from the film PoA is just so fucking interesting. Yes, Gary Oldman, she does dump him in a prison, bring him back for a few scenes and kill him. Isn't it wonderful?
Okay, it is partly to give a bit more angst for our dear CAPLOCKS!Harry, but it's also a near fitting end. And it isn't an ending. Not in fiction. (Or in the books, really, I remain very suspicious of that damn veil, I still still to the rules of BtVS/AtS and Farscape: they ain't dead even if you see the body).
And what was lost and what needs to be explored? Those years, the memories, the emotions - so much to work in and dammit, you can't only explain it in humor or fluff, you need to tear him apart and make it hurt and make the hurt good.
And then there's Remus.
I honestly can't help shading him a bit darker sometimes. Yes, he's a nice guy. He also didn't trust Sirius and thought he was the spy. He also quietly decided to take care of Peter in the Shrieking Shack. But he's also a good kind of stronh, He aided in letting Harry know more about the Order in OotP.
And he luffs Sirius.
I'm sorry, I'm obligated to throw in one Siris/Remus=OTP moment or I lose my S/R fangirl card. I worked bloody hard to get it. Writing all that p0rn with all those pronoun problems.
But c'mon. Werewolf. That's like a big present to me saying, "Yes, please see what makes me tick, and yes, it's going to be fucked up, which is probably why I am so damn nice, but you can also make me dark, I know you want to."
What am I supposed to do?
But I still don't know. I don't really think I'm an angsty writer. I mean, people get laid. They stick together. They save the world. Sometimes it ends badly or it ends okay or there isn't an ending.
Isn't that life at the end of the day?
And isn't it more interesting just to see what could be instead of what you want to be (aka a world without pain, suffering, and fear)?
What I do know is that I'm off to torture Remus some more. Or maybe he's torturing himself. That's the fun of fic, at least, to me.
Maybe it's just that I don't believe in happy endings. Not yet.
And if you want to comment? Or set me on fire? Well, you can comment, if you want to set me on fire, let me get my bucket of water first.