I was a taller girl too, once. (regala_electra) wrote,
I was a taller girl too, once.

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pants, and Doctor Who fannish ponderings

So many errands to run. They are not happening because I have yet to put on my pants. Hmm.

Pants, good idea. Should probably *several minutes later*

Done. And folded up my laundry too.

I am still paralyzed by the fic I am working on. Terrified that this is just another one in a long string of fics that doesn't get me anywhere, that people hate it, that it'll get the reaction of that was sooooo sad. (And nothing else. That's just the comment. So I then go, "...and? You thought it was too sad? Just right? Should have had a joke or something?")

Am working against own nature by trying to make it funny and light-hearted. Probably why I'm still stuck at the same point in the story.

Tis nerve wracking sometimes, entering a new fandom. For Harry Potter, I went in against my will, damn the PoA movie, but Sirius and Remus were so shiny and just so wonderfully damaged.

With Doctor Who, well, I've been comparing it with my love of Farscape. And my Farscape love is a deep, undying affection, mostly because it was so heartbreakingly canceled before the fandom ate itself, as most fandoms are wont to do. It never suffered the crazy downward spiral of BtVS and it never had the weird behind-the-shows wankiness of AtS, which caused me to actively sit out half a season because I was so pissed with the ending of S3. (Then they had to go all dark and bring back fucking Angelus and Faith and do some of the most evil things evah and I was totally back. And loving that they retconned S3, because such was my burning anger at Dork!Angel of S3 and Magically!Awesome Cordy.)

Farscape never caused me that level of grief, either show or fandom-wise, because I was never involved in Farscape fandom to the wanky levels that I had occasionally been involved in whilst a BtVS/AtS fan. Show-wise, I was happy so long as John was hurting. Because I'm a evil, evil person. Also, I had faith in the writers...causing me great pain. Because I wanted them to make it hurt so good. And nearly every time, they brought the exact level of pain I wanted.

But I fear that the Doctor Who love is veering on that weird scale - shall I wank or shall I just love? I don't want to wank. I think the Powers That Be are funny, interesting people who are ginormous geeks (which is similar to the Farscape crew, everyone involved in FS wanted to be there and the lead actor & executive producer were so geeky that they put me to shame). When they meta about the show, I nod my head and go, "Yes, that it exactly what I am feeling about it and you rocketh muchly for bringing it to that level."

So I sit here, not writing fic because I'm curious how this is all going to end up.

As much as I don't regret being (mildly) involved in HP, I wonder if I'm completely disinterested in it for the time being.

I still regret some of my actions in BtVS/AtS, in being involved in such petty bullshit, when I was a newbie and didn't recognize that it's never a good thing to pick a side in a Fandom War that Ate Itself, and finally, in watching to the bitter end (of BtVS) and hating myself for doing it because maybe if I wasn't as invested, it wouldn't have hurt as much. That being said, I still enjoyed the end of AtS, because, as I have said, I am evil and love the pain. Only I don't own leather pants.

My fandom levels of interest cannot be measured by what I own - I have no AtS DVDs, I got BtVS S1 for a Christmas gift several years back and have an unopened BtVS board game that I will never play. I bought a Puppet!Angel pin at WriterCon because it is adorable. I won't be going to WriterCon this year because I can't take the time off of work and I don't feel I deserve to go - I should have written more fanfic to justify that.

The Farscape DVD collection is half-assed, some Starburst DVDs, a handful of collections from S2 and S3. I haven't seen S4 since it was last aired on Sci-Fi. I finally have all of S1 and love it all so much. It's the Happy Times of Farscape and considering Happy Times involve severed limbs, mindfucks, torture chairs, and the introduction of Scorpius, well, it pretty much spells out This Is Going To Get Even Worse, doesn't it?

I have all the Harry Potter books, some random bits of freebies from the Midnight Madness party stuffed somewhere in my bedroom, and the adorable action figures that FaithGirl gave me for my birthday, currently posed with Sirius and Remus hugging (because I am lame, okay?) and the Dementor attacking one Harry, whilst the other Harry attempts to rescuse him atop the stacked HP books. My Harry Potter connections however are more to the people in the fandom. The midnight madness party was fun because I got to hang out with friends, got to spend the day wandering around NYC, and return to the Midnight Madness Party NotQuiteDrunk thanks to the thousand proof Sex on the Beach I drank whilst at the Bitter End. I almost cussed out some stupid fangirl squeers. It was awesome. I love the HP people I've met. They're not only cool, they've got their heads on right. I doubt any of them will say, "I'm totally a Death Eater," and not be completely joking.

And looking over at my lovely, messy room, there are Doctor Who dvds (given to me by the fantastic doyle_sb4 are near my DVD player, next to Scrubs and Eddie Izzard's Dressed to Kill. It's what I've been watching when I get home from work. It's what makes me happy.

I guess I'm wondering what sort of fan I'd be. Not a very good one. Can't even do meta properly. But still, I'm at a funny point and I really hope I don't look back at all of this and go, "man, I should have just stopped myself when I had the chance."
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