I guess there's no real reason to rant about Jennifer Lopez. She is after all, a Puerto Rican cultural icon. A magnificent businesswoman, whose clothing line, perfume, restaurant, and other endeavors show the power of J. Lo.
She's just a regular girl, you know what I mean?
She's only dated a few men, and while some of them have been high profile, she's loved them all...though not as much as her true love soul mate, Ben Affleck.
She's graced the recording industry with her wonderful voice, her albums are huge hits with brilliant works such as "If You Had My Love," "I'm Real," and "Jenny from the Block." How music was before her, I can't recall, for these magnificent recordings have truly changed music worldwide. They're personal, pop friendly, and show just how normal, nice, and truly "regular" J. Lo really is.
I can't even talk about her movies without shedding a tear.
Oh, and the dancing! Can't forget that. It is incredible that someone from "The Bronx," who had extensive dancing lessons, could move like it, it's almost like magic instead of a carefully crafted talent honed to perfection!
And the ass! Before J. Lo, people didn't even have asses! She came to Hollywood with an ass that was HUGE (after she carefully worked out and dieted away her original ass circa "In Living Color" to have a slightly rounded behind and a much thinner frame).
Oh wait, there are PLENTY of reasons to rant about Jennifer Lopez. Mainly that her "icon" status is a joke. I will admit that I did like her, up to a point.
I think that point broke around her release of "On the 6."
I remember sitting outside of school, with one of my friends. She was talking about Jennifer Lopez's song with Marc Antony. She said it wasn't really that good, etc. I thought it was decent, but I agreed that she wasn't really that great a singer.
Flashfoward to a couple of years later. My friend and I are driving in her car and a song from Jennifer Lopez, with her new moniker "J. Lo" comes onto the radio. Friend sighs in disgust and says, "She's an embarrassment to Latinas."
No, no, no, it's not even that anymore. She's an embarrassment, period.
I'm sick of this famewhore. I'm sick of everyone going, "Oh Jennifer Lopez, isn't she special?!!!"
She's fucking not. She's a decent actress, especially when a director reels in her ego so she doesn't suck. When that doesn't happen, movies like "The Wedding Planner" and "Maid in Manhattan" happen. I still think she's quite good in "Out of Sight" mainly because she's not over-doing it. Her character isn't "Jennifer Lopez staring as Jennifer Lopez, only different!"
I hate to sound petty, but I really do hope that "Gigli" bombs, mainly because her role is supposed to be lesbian hit woman (oh Hollywood, how I love your subversive roles...only not!) yet every single ad for that damn movie or clip, shows Miss I'm Just Jenny, YouKnowWhatIMean J. Lo, cooing and simpering over Ben Affleck's...I don't even know who the fuck Ben's playing, because his weird hairdo and accent in that movie are that distracting.
I'm sick of Ben and Jen. For one thing, "Ben and Jen." I know the entertainment media is wetting their pants over this famewhoring couple, but seriously - "Ben and Jen?" Fuck Bennifer.
Besides, it seems that when these two say offensive things, they get skimmed over. Such as the most offensive thing I've heard Ben Affleck say. I'll paraphrase, "The reason why people have a problem with me and Jennifer is because she's Hispanic and I'm white."
Oh yes, Ben, that's totally the fucking problem. It's not because you two DATED while she was MARRIED to another man. Oh, she was separated, blah, blahcakes, I don't give a fuck, because if she won't own up to the fact that she left Husband 2 for you, then I'm going to keep bringing it up. I honestly don't care if someone leaves a spouse for another person, but to play all coy and proclaim that Ben was "just a friend" is fucking weak.
Now, back to the "matter of race." As a Puerto Rican AND a white person, I'm offended. What? Did you just read "Puerto Rican and White?" Whatever could that mean? It means, that my parents are of two different races*!
(*I'm usually this term just for emphasis, as the concept of different "races" is a misnomer, as all human beings are of one "race" and varied ethnic groups.)
My father, a Puerto Rican, married a white (Irish/English) woman. Why this is significant, is because in the '70s, it was still a big deal to marry "outside your race," especially if a person is from a conservative family or area.
Yet, I don't think ANYONE has ever said ANYTHING to EITHER of my parents about their marriage being "wrong" in this day in age. While my mom and dad did have a few problems (mostly from my mom's side of the family), times have change. Most people today don't give a shit about marry someone of a different ethnic background.
And by the way, Mr. Ben Affleck? All of my father's cousins and his sisters have married "outside their race." My Aunts have both married white men. In fact, the only minor issue of marrying a non-Puerto Rican was that of my younger aunt's marriage. She is a Catholic and married a Jewish man.
And that? Wasn't even a blimp on the radar. A priest and a rabbi married them at the wedding.
So let me tell you something, Ben, I don't have a problem with you two asses because you're of different "races." I have a problem with the media's constant pimping of you two as the ideal fucking couple. That it's somehow wonderful for two famous people to be "in true love" and that the public simply MUST hear all about your fairytale life together.
Ah, Ben and Jen, isn't it wonderful how Jennifer's finally found her man? Why, it's just like Puffy Daddy (P. Diddy) and J. Lo were a "true love" couple. Oh wait. Scratch that. I meant "Cris Judd and Jennifer Lopez."
But wait! Jennifer didn't "really" love any of them. Not until her "Beeeeeeeen" came along to rescue her from her dreary marriage and threat of losing fame.
I can't stand "J. Lo." I can't stand that stupid nickname, I can't stand that I, as a Puerto Rican, am supposed to admire a woman whose only staying power of "celebrity" is who she's fucking, instead of whether or not she's creating interesting movies/music/etc.
And another thing: if everyone would just fucking shut up about her ass, I'd be so happy. It's not BIG. I swear to God, it's not like it's this enormous anomaly. It's a regular sized ass that is curvy and is very noticeable because she has a very lean-cut body, thanks to a LOT of dieting and working out.
Why, you ask, if you're still reading this, am I ranting about a person I don't even know, who is just another annoying celebrity?
Because I can't STAND her. I'm sorry, but I can't. And she just keeps on going; although her effects are destructive and all her projects are pieces of crap, people STILL buy into this mythos that she's just a regular girl "who made it" and now, we are to stand in awe of this precious woman and ignore that she is only FAMOUS for being extremely FAMOUS!
Because honestly, the woman is a joke. She isn't admirable because she's "made it" and stayed "real."
It's pathetic that her "realness" is trotted out at all. Jennifer Lopez is famous for being a celebrity. When it's said that she hasn't changed, I beg to fucking differ. She puts fucking flowers in her *toilet.* She pays a person to tweak her *nipples.* She has an entourage, the clearest sign that a celebrity has bought into their own image - having a group of people following you around, fawning over you, does not a "regular Joe" make.
As I can turn around and not have my own personal juicer (a person that hand squeezes juice, not the machine), I am the definition of a real person.
Jennifer Lopez is not. All the shots of her making burnt chicken, red beans and rice are filmed to show just how normal she is, but it's all an illusion, and one that is constantly being pimped to keep her ALWAYS in the public eye.
She's not just "Jenny From the Block." In fact, if I could never hear that song again, I would die a happy person.
This nonsensical rant was brought to you by hot sauce, cholo.