She says, "Reg, I want you to write me a fic!"
I say, "Well, um, I don't want to."
And then she says, "You don't love me! *sob*"
I, while not a practicing Catholic, but have absorbed all the guilt, respond with, "*sigh* As you wish."
Damn you, Molly! But also, I rejoice, for she acts as a bizarre muse, one who is a kickass writer and also really fun to act all fangirl-y with.
But didn't I promise tasty, scandalous, funny, and naughty porn? Why yes, I did. Have at it.
Molly and I co-authored this one. *G* Enjoy.
Authors: Regala Electra and MollyTM
Summary: Hotter than a hot thing. Or, how words cannot fail you during The Sex.
Pairings: Ryan/Seth (mentions of Anna/Summer)
Warnings: slash, sexual situations, language
Author's Notes: Born out of me and MollyTM chatting on AIM about the wonderful way that Seth just cannot shut up. And what it would take for Ryan to make Seth quiet. The title comes from Molly's delicious SV/O.C. crossover Places You Know (featuring Ryan/Seth, Chloe/Ryan, Chloe/Seth, and Seth/Chloe/Ryan).
"Okay. Hey, oh, sorry, I'm interrupting, right? I'd go, but I'm sort of panicking and did I say hey already, 'cause, hey. Anyway, did you hear about - I mean, not that there's anything wrong with that, and in fact, it's actually really, really hot if I think about it. But it's still very, very weird. Weird in the 'going to school in your Star Wars boxers' kind of way. And man, it was hot. But still I'm, I'm sort of flustered, and I'm interrupting your, uh, dude, what are you doing?"
Ryan takes a moment to stare at a very anxious Seth. His bewilderment is evident in his voice when he finally replies, "I'm studying."
"I can see that, but unless I've woken up in an unrealized reality - although, being John Crichton would be so cool. Except I think the leather pants would probably chafe. Anyway, I mean, what are you studying?"
"I've known you for over a year. I should be able to understand you by now," Ryan replies. "But you have defied all expectations."
"I'm a man of many skills," Seth says proudly, pacing through the pool house.
"Do you want to tell me what's up, or should I just sit here and gape at you for a few more minutes?"
"No, I have to tell you. Because something is up, Ryan. Something is up, indeed." Seth paces around for another thirty seconds before finally announcing, "I walked into a scene that would have been *so* awesome, if it were not for the fact that the two people I walked in on were the delectable Summer and the scrumptious Anna. They were conducting what can only be described as old-school mackage, Ryan. Macking. Summer. And Anna. And after my brain exploded and I learned that fantasies are completely different when they become reality - and why does nobody tell you that? - they said they'd been dating for the past month and, you know what? I'm dizzy. Oh, God, I'm gonna pass out."
And with that statement, he falls onto the couch next to Ryan, landing right on a pile of scattered notes.
"That's probably because you haven't taken a breath since you've came in, Seth," Ryan wryly observes, capping his pen and shutting his book. "I hope I didn't just hear you call Summer and Anna 'delectable' and 'scrumptious'."
"I skipped lunch," Seth shoots back.
"I hate to bring in reason and logic here -"
"Well, please, go right ahead. I already know that this is a wacky alternate universe, like on Buffy, only without vampires and without Willow in bondage wear. You're all doppelgangers of my Real World Friends. But not the MTV Real World because that's a sad, sad shell of its former glory. Although I don't think 'glory' is really a word you can use to label reality TV of any kind," he rambles, his hands gesturing around Ryan's body to suggest he's a copy, or something.
Ryan *still* hasn't quite figured out how Seth's mind works, and he fears that the day he does, he will have lost his mind.
"Seth, have you been paying any attention at all for the past few months? I haven't seen Summer or Anna dating anyone else. And they're always touching each other and - "
"Oh, my God, Ryan, you knew? You knew about this and you didn't tell me?"
"I figured you saw it, too, man."
"Oh, God. Oh, God, my girlfriends are girlfriends and everybody in the entire universe saw it but me. I'm blind like Oedipus, only without the whole mom thing, because, yeah, gross. How are Summer and Anna...well, Summer and Anna? How? I thought it was about me. Dude, when did it stop being all about me?"
Ryan rolls his eyes and counts to ten. "While I'm sure they're both still pining away over you-"
"No one can ignore the power of Seth. It's like a magnet. I'm Magneto, only not European, old, or able to compel metal with my mind. Um, not that I've tried or anything."
Ryan decides not to bring up that day he caught Seth trying to mentally move a can of soda into his hand from a ten foot distance. Seth might claim he was trying his Jedi mind trick, and Ryan does not have the patience to sit through another 'Why I, Seth Cohen, Will Kick George Lucas' Ass For Destroying the Star Wars Franchise' speech.
He'd actually timed the last one; it had clocked in at just under three hours. He'd never get that time back.
"Yes, everyone wants you," he says, a little too strongly, and thanks God that Seth's true power is Obliviousness. And then Ryan mentally smacks himself in the head for thinking in Geek. Seth has corrupted him.
That thought leads to some other interesting thoughts, but Seth is still rambling on.
"...because, here's the thing. You have wild fantasies, like crazy ones, and then you walk into an empty classroom where you thought you and Anna were going to be meeting up to study, and my God, I saw heaven in a bra. Two heavens, actually. Summer's heavens. Really round heavens, and Anna's pants were unbuckled, and may I just stop for a moment to praise God? I'm not a religious person, what with the joy of being Jewish and Christian, Chrismukkah aside, but that was like walking into...dude, it was *awesome.*"
Ryan looks at the open door of the pool house and considers his options. His pants are now way too tight, he has a very giddy Seth (he once called Seth 'giddy' to his face and Seth had harassed him the rest of the night, insulted that he could ever be considered giddy. Hyper, yes, but never, ever giddy), and he knows no one else is going to be home for several hours.
It's madness, but Seth is an evil influence. He carefully gets up, ignoring Seth's sputters and ramblings, and shuts the door. Then he closes the thick drapes he had installed six months ago. He loved the Cohens, but their idea of privacy was, "Ryan do you need...oh, you're naked. Was the shower too hot? We're getting a plumber to come by...oh, you want to stop being humiliated and get dressed? Well, let me just bluster here for a few more moments, thus scarring you for the rest of your life, and then you can put some pants on."
And his plan requires a different definition of privacy. He grins to himself as Seth, who finally notices what's going on, merely looks at him with unknowing eyes.
"Oh, dude, top secret meeting about to go on? I'm up for anything, because seeing two very, very hot girls making out? Makes me willing to do, I don't know, crocheting. All I need are the needles and a sturdy pair of goggles. Possibly a bulletproof vest. Because if there's any chance of stabbing yourself with a crochet needle, I'm probably going to do it. It'll be cool, though, because it'll be a record or something, and I'll get my name in the books. Like the guy with the bee beard. How awesome is that? I bet a ferret beard would be cooler, though."
Ryan sighs and does not say anything about the idea of a ferret beard.
"That's my name, doesn't wear it out. Although, can you really wear out a name? Like, if I have a worn-out name, would it be pronounced eeeth or something? I think not. Which is why everyone should stop warning people about their names getting worn out because there aren't any eeeths running around. And hey, your worn out name would probably be yaaaan and that's actually not that bad. It's only a letter away from 'yam', and there's nothing like a yam sham."
"Oh, fuck it," Ryan says suddenly, crossing the room and pressing his mouth to Seth's. He wants to draw out the moment, so his mouth opens slightly, his tongue flicking out to test Seth's lips, which taste mildly of sugar. It confirms Ryan's suspicion that Seth is at least 20 percent sugar based, given all the junk food and soda he happily ingests.
He keeps his mouth warm and wet, not too much, but enough, sliding his tongue over Seth's and realizing he can taste different kinds of sugar, which either means he has completely lost his mind (and since kissing Seth is a sign of insanity, he doesn't doubt it) or Seth has eaten chocolate, Frosted Flakes, and Dr. Pepper in the past hour.
"Wow, you're a really good kisser," Seth mumbles against Ryan's mouth, "I mean, you have soft lips and everything. Oh wait, are my lips okay? I didn't shave today, is there stubble? Should I shave now?"
Ryan responds by deepening the kiss, the corners of his mouth slightly turning upwards in a very happy smile. Seth's sugary taste is intoxicating.
"How in the Hell do you manage to taste like Dr. Pepper?" Ryan asks, breaking away.
Seth's eyes flutter open, wide and brown, and he blurts out, "Well, Anna had this extra tube of Dr. Pepper's Lipsmacker and she said chapped lips are a crime and well, I do want to make sure my lips are kissable and wow...you're a really, really good kisser. Like, you're a guy and you kiss better than anyone that's ever kissed me. I mean, you're not like a girl, clearly, you're not, but you're really, really good."
Pressing his lips together to keep from bursting out laughing, Ryan manages, "You - you use lipstick?"
"Hey, it's a lipbalm. That's, uh, kind of manly. And hey, Dr. Pepper. *Wolverine* liked it enough to praise it in X2, and you don't get much more manly than Wolverine. Although he praised it mostly because of blatant product placement, but still, that blooper with Bobby and Logan and the thing with the bottle? Not even close to as hot as you kissing me. Dude, you just kissed me."
Ryan groans. "Seth, now would be a really good fucking time to control the inner fanboy."
Seth either doesn't hear or doesn't care, because he happily prattles on, wriggling around on top of Ryan's notebook like a happy puppy. "Never really saw the Bobby/Logan slash myself. Bobby and Johnny, maybe, and dude, his name was so not Johnny in the comics, it was St. John. He's Pyro, but you knew that, right? All about the heat, Ryan. Like you're hot. I mean, like, both in skin temperature, because yeah, dude, wow, but also lookswise, because also, wow."
"One of my courses is Nineteenth Century Literature, Seth. I know I've told you before, but," he grabs his mangled copy of Bronte's novel, waving it for emphasis, "we're reading Wuthering Heights. Those notes you're sitting on are for this stupid book. And if you say anything else about fire and ice, I will kill you."
"Okay, then I'm shutting up about fire and ice. I am. Because I don't want you to kill me. Seriously, I would much rather have you make out with me, because, yeah, you're really good at it. You have skills. And much better body temperature than Bobby. Because seriously, dude, if I was kissing Bobby, I bet my tongue would get stuck to his mouth, like that kid in A Christmas Story. Not that I've thought about making out with Bobby. Well, maybe once. He looked good in the leather uniform."
"So you're saying you don't want my tongue in your mouth?"
"Oh *God*, so that's what talking dirty means and wow, that was really, really hot."
"Not hot like Pyro! That shouldn't have counted! I didn't mean body temp wise!"
"Okay," Ryan says, again counting to ten in his head, "I won't kill you. But God, Seth, what will it take to shut you up?"
"Honestly, Ryan, I can't say I know. I don't even shut up in my sleep, because when I was little, I had this sleep-talking problem. Also, I had a bed-wetting problem. I had those plastic sheets and everything, but that was only until I was four, and I don't do that anymore."
Ryan looks at Seth in a way he knows defines the word 'dumbfounded'. "Seth? That is not how you get sex from someone."
Seth's eyebrows shoot up, and his jaw hangs loose for a few moments before he finds words. "There's gonna be sex? Like, actual sex? Sex with another person? With you? Sweet Christ. Actually, sweet Moses, too. Sweet Deity of Your Own Personal Choosing. Wow. Sex? Really?"
Ryan smiles, leaning over and licking his tongue lightning fast over Seth's bottom lip, pressing a hand very, very close on Seth's inner thigh before closing Seth's mouth with a very long kiss.
Seth's eyes flutter closed, but just as quickly, they pop right back open. "Is that how you get sex from someone? With the kissing? And the tongue? Actually, the hand on the thigh is all kinds of good, too, and yeah, you should...keep doing that."
"What? This?" And Ryan is no longer doing that, but has his hand over Seth's cock and is pressing very carefully, not at all gently.
"OhMyGod yes. Si. Oui. In any language. Am I dead? Did I die? Usually this stuff only happens when you die. Or, okay, not to your actual corpse because, yeah, gross, unless it's like in Clerks, because then it was funny. But I meant in the afterlife. The afterlife where Jesus and Moses say 'That Seth Cohen kid, he deserves a reward,' so they give me Horny Ryan, who has my dick in his hand, and yeah, I really like being dead. Also, I really like Horny Ryan."
Ryan then takes his hand off Seth's cock, and says tersely, "It's not going back there if you ever call me Horny anything again. Ever."
"Okay! All right! Fine! Solemn promise. Never again. I'll call you whatever you want to be called, dude, seriously, anything, if you just put...the hand...back. Please."
Ryan says nothing, his hand instead traveling up underneath Seth's shirt, smiling just a bit when Seth twitches as his fingers barely brush Seth's nipples.
"Now, is this almost as good?"
He breathes this into the space just where Seth's messy, curly hair rises over the shell of Seth's ear and he feels a slight twinge of victory when Seth answers with a shudder and an "uhhhhh."
His victory does not last long because just as his hand begins to trace a path down Seth's stomach, Seth looks into Ryan's eyes and begins to talk again, "Dude, that was incredible! Like, you got all whispery and dude, I almost...wow."
"Seth, what the hell does it take to make you shut up?"
He punctuates this by grabbing Seth's face with his free hand and kissing him for as long as he can last without breathing.
When they break apart, Seth's eyes are closed and he's breathing harshly.
"I don't know what it'll take, Ryan. And you know what? I don't care. I've decided this alternative universe is the best dimension ever. I'd love it even if there wasn't any donuts." He opens his eyes, worry clear in his expression. "There are donuts, though, right? Like, I'm not asking it to rain donuts, but it would be very, very awesome if it did."
His patience waning, and a new plan forming, Ryan tersely replies, "It's really frightening that you've absorbed every Simpsons episode into your brain."
Seth laughs. "Right, like that's a bad thing. Well, that episode with the alcoholic cowboy was ten kinds of bad, but - hey, dude you just took off your shirt. Um. Wow. Can see why you're a ladies man with all the rippling muscles and oh God, I'm starting to sound like a romance novel...not like I've read any, but-"
Ryan kisses Seth, doing as many things he can with his tongue that do not involve talking. "Right now? Not so interested in ladies, Seth," he answers.
"Dude, you're the best friend ever. If there was a best friend Olympics, you'd kick ass and you'd stand on top of the podium with the gold medal, and HOLY FUCK! Fuck!"
Pressing a bit harder on Seth's cock, unbuttoning the jeans with his other hand, Ryan agrees, "That's the idea."
"So awesome, dude," Seth pants, his words rushing together, "This is hotter than a hot thing and oh my God, Ryan, my brain is now Campbell's soup."
Pausing in unzipping Seth's pants, Ryan sighs. "I know you want to tell me which kind of Campbell's. So just say it."
"I'm sorry, man. I'm kind of blanking here, what with the lack of shirt, and your hands *there* and oh God, your mouth is really close and HOLY SHIT!!!"
Ryan presses a kiss to the area just under Seth's bellybutton, then carefully licks around it. He wonders if Seth can actually stop talking if he manages to shut down Seth's thought process. He's very willing right now to find out.
He unzips Seth's pants with a loud sound that doesn't manage to drown out Seth's, "porn was so not able to translate the hotness of this, Ryan. Seriously...oh *God*...keep doing that." It sounds like a direct command for Ryan to continue licking the area of exposed skin above Seth's boxers, taut and fresh skin, and it's an order that he doesn't have any problem obeying.
"It gets better," he mumbles, somewhere vaguely around Seth's hip, which he helpfully exposes by pulling down Seth's boxers. Not enough to free Seth's painfully hard cock, though.
Ryan has never known, until this moment, that he could be a bit of a tease.
"Oh holy sweet yes, it gets *better*? Dude, show me how it gets better and I will...do whatever. Seriously, whatever you want. Just don't stop, I mean, I am under your thrall. There's all kinds of thrall going on here."
Ryan drops to his knees, trying to get into a better position for what's coming next. He pulls down Seth's pants and boxers in one swift motion, dragging them down past his knees. Then he finally looks up at Seth, who stares down at him with an expression of shock and sex-drugged wonder.
Ryan's voice is low and hot when he says, "Whatever I want?"
And then he takes Seth's cock all the way down, down his throat, knowing Seth is a second away from orgasm and waits and...
"HOLY GOD YAWEH FUCK RYAN!!!"
Ryan expects Seth to be quiet for a moment, but instead, as Ryan gets up and begins stripping off the rest of his clothes, Seth instantly rebounds.
"Wow, it is always that good when you're mano a mano? Because like, I knew it would be *good*. Like really good, but I didn't realize it would better than the first time I saw Lord of the Rings, and you know how much I like watching that on DVD, especially the extended release, and that's just as mind-blowing good. Heh, blowing. But I digress. We will be doing that again, right? Because that was unbelievable and I believe that - hey, you're naked. Wow. You look really, really good naked."
"Thanks for the compliment," Ryan answers, mind now completely and utterly devoted to sex and the getting of more sex. Great, now he's thinking like Seth.
He moves over to his bedside drawer, opening it to consider his options. Of course having an erection is not the best time to thinking, so he settles for nothing, sitting next to Seth on the couch, who stops mid "this is seriously the best day ever" to stare at Ryan's cock. Which is happy to be stared at.
Snapping his gaze back into Ryan's face, Seth blurts out, "Um, do you want me to do that thing you just did with the mouth and the awesomeness? Or do you er, want to 'have your way with me'? Cuz dude, I don't know if you know, but this is kinda new territory for me, even though right now, I'm so very up for anything. Like, I'm literally up, again, already, and wow, you're really...ready for action."
"Whatever you want, Seth," Ryan finally answers, keeping his face composed. He knows that there's going to be a later, he'll make *sure* that there's a next time, and he has time. Seth is still talking, and in mid-word, a word he isn't listening to, he pulls off Seth's shirt, Seth's arms shoot up without him asking, he's rambling still, saying, "Jesus. Yaweh. You are so" what comes next is muffled by Seth's shirt.
Ryan tosses it, not caring where it lands, and says, breaking into Seth's continued talking, "Come to bed, Seth."
He gets up, knowing Seth is following, listening with only half an ear, "There is nothing else on the world than is better than this, whoa, just tripped, it's okay, I just have to take off my pants again, and okay, yeah, shoes go off first, kinda forgetting everything. So *that's* what they call a mind-melting orgasm, because seriously, Ry, I think I'm becoming soup."
"And yet," Ryan answers, shooting him an amused look, "you're still talking."
Seth pauses to gape at him lying back on his bed, and shoots back, "Yeah. I'm stupid, but I'm not dead. Well, I may be dead, and what was the point?"
"The bed, Seth."
"Oh," he stays, climbing on the bed without any pretense of grace, stumbling onto Ryan, his face inches away, "this is the point. I really, really like you, Ryan. Like, there were troubling thoughts and I think I still like girls and everything, but you? Are really, really hot. Oh crap, I didn't mean that. You're, um, tepid."
"Tepid?" Ryan asks, cocking an eyebrow upwards.
"Yeah," and Seth breaks out with a smile that Ryan now classifies as one of the most unintentionally sexy things that he's ever seen, "Neither hot or cold. A word that justifies the sex and not the death. Because the death would make me sad because yeah, I want to do this at least a kazillion times more. With you."
Ryan rocks his hips upward, and Seth smirks at him, managing to look debauched and also modestly shocked. "Anytime, Seth."
"Um, dude? Any general guidelines for this?"
Bringing Seth down for a kiss, his tongue dueling with Seth's, it's a long time before either of them say anything. Ryan finally breaks contact to nip at Seth's jaw line, shocked that there's *still* traces of sugar to the taste of his skin there, and he then says, "We'll figure it out. And you can ask questions."
"I am all over that." Realizing the double entendre he grins and then adds, "literally."
Seth begins moving down Ryan's body, his mouth never ceasing with questions, comments, such as, "How in the hell does your muscle do *that*?" and "you have a really hot six-pack." But his mouth does other things too, tasting his body with messy kisses, warm as anything, but it's *Seth* and his kisses are just so fucking *right.*
And then Seth's mouth is on Ryan's cock, taking him in cautiously, but it's so very fucking...and then Seth does something with his tongue that makes Ryan's thoughts nonexistent because now he's just a body with a heartbeat, and there is another with a mouth, and his cock is enveloped and he's, he can feel it, burning, itching to, and suddenly Seth's hand joins in, and he bursts, coming with a grunt that combines the words "fuck" and "Seth" into one word.
Ryan is panting as Seth clambers back up to collapse next to Ryan. His thoughts slowly coming back to him, he looks over at Seth, who is looking incredibly smug.
"Dude," Seth begins, "You wore out my name."
"You called me eeeth."
"I did not."
"Oh no, my friend, you see, if we had one of those tapes, although I'm not comfortable with the possibilities of that going out on the internet like skanky Paris Hilton, and also? I don't think sex tapes would be the best way for my parents to see their son engaged in some awesome man-love, but you're really, really good at that, and I think I need more practice-"
"Seth?" Ryan manages weakly. "Can we get to the point about the taping?"
"Oh yeah, anyway, if we taped that, you *so* would have heard yourself calling me eeeth."
Ryan now understands perfectly. He will never, ever understand Seth. Not even sex can get him to shut up. However, there is an upside, as he swigs an arm around Seth to bring him closer for some kissing.
He can keep on trying. And he has no problems with that. Not at all.
edited because the sex is NOT a dream sequence