Author: Regala Electra
Summary: It's foolish to purposely fall just to see what's on the other side. Five moments of pretense, desire, and discovery set during Hogwarts, Marauders Era.
Warnings: Slash, sexual content
Author's Notes: I never *intended* to write HP fic, but Sirius and Remus are far too tempting and where they go, so goes my nation. Extra special thanks to faith_girl222 for the beta.
Feedback: Somehow this makes me feel less weird for writing HP fic. ;-)
"C'mon Moony, you really don't want to go to Hogsmeade? Not even for some sugar quills? Or some Honeydukes chocolate?"
"Sirius, do I have to remind you again that I'm not the one with the insane addiction to sugary treats? Honestly, chocolate's all fine and good, but-"
"Aw, let off of him, Sirius," James says, removing bits of papers (covered with suspicious scribbled letters that may have been an 'L' and an 'E') from his pockets to leave more room probably for a new batch of dungbombs. "Believe Mr. Moony's run last night wore him out. He is an old wolf, after all."
Sirius' smile is far too dangerous for Remus' liking. "Suppose you're right, James," he drawls, doing it far too well for his own good and a passing group of fourth-year Ravenclaws flush and blush and do all the things that Remus will never, ever quite understand. Sirius doesn't acknowledge them, though Remus is quite sure he knows exactly what power he has.
Instead, Sirius casts a rather strange look in Remus' direction. It is the type of look that Remus fears to decipher.
He'd hate being right.
"Fine," he says, forcing every bit of resignation in his voice, which disturbingly makes him sound like his father, "I'll come along, then."
Sirius is exactly five days away from making one of the biggest mistakes of his life. Of course, he doesn't know this yet and his list of his worst offensives is relatively tied up in mildly harmful pranks (and for Sirius, he does not consider hexing Slytherins, especially greasy, big-nosed gits, to be worth a minute of detention).
But this is day five in the countdown that he isn't keeping and he does something quite stupid. And he does it so well, which is admittedly one of the few things that has kept him from being expelled, even during his most outrageous stunts.
He carefully (but managing in a way to make it look as dangerous and effortless as possible, he does have a reputation to uphold) sits on the arm of the chair occupied by one Mr. Moony and gives his most charming smile.
The moon will be full soon and Remus looks just so peaky and so damned upset about the whole affair that Sirius reaches over, flicks hair out of Remus' eyes and tells him, "It'll be loads of fun, Moony. Nothing to worry about."
And Remus stares at him without smiling, without even pretending to believe Sirius.
The kiss then, is obviously the last resort. Sirius realizes that he should have tried this a long time ago and it's a long while before either of them breaks away. For his memory's sake, it is he that breaks away.
For truth's sake, it is Remus who gently pushes Sirius away.
And Remus remains as unreadable as ever.
Sirius leaves quickly because that is what happens when your pride is shattered into a million pieces with only a look, that is what never happens to Sirius (because he's *Sirius Black*) and he cannot waste another moment on feeling - like this.
And for five days, they go on pretending. And for five days, all is not right, but it's fragile territory. No one picks up on anything and maybe, everything will be back to whatever it isn't.
And on the fifth day, Sirius doesn't think again, and a kiss is the last of his worries.
They are very good at pretending. Remus is excellent at forgiving and Sirius can go back to being an arrogant arse even though he knows every second and every moment that (while Snape deserves everything) what he risked, so rashly, so damned foolishly, will never leave his memory.
James had been furious and Remus had been damned quiet again, and Peter, well Peter was Peter, a good sort in a way, but he never took a side except for the majority. So instead of further rows, it was a game of pretend and the stakes were the very future of their friendships.
Somewhere, James is off (likely with Evans, whom Sirius has become quite grateful for, seeing as James forgets to be angry about him with Lily on his mind) and Peter is elsewhere and Remus is here. And he's so far away.
Sirius will not do anything. Will not say anything.
He's so focused that a passing gaggle of girls is ignored and Remus breaks the silence, "How do you manage?"
"That," and Sirius sees one of the pretty girls blush as he looks in her direction. Remus continues, "You don't even realize what you have, do you, Sirius? Sometimes, I worry."
It stings. The tone of disappointment and resignation, and damn it all, he wants to tell Moony it isn't true, but it is and he doesn't know how to not do that, how to not spoil everything he's ever touched. Here, he should make a joke and keep the pretense as long as possible, because it's foolish to purposely fall just to see what's on the other side.
Of course, he is always a fool and there is no changing that.
"I don't," he says, after a while, "I really don't, Moony. I do know that, that if you'd ever-"
It's so close. He swears he can hear nothing and everything as they sit outside in the breezy calm of the midday. Remus is not looking at him and it's easier that way.
"If I ever what, Sirius," and Remus says this very, very low and his voice is cracked and weary.
"You've forgiven me."
Remus turns to him. And finally, Sirius reads his expression and he does understand.
Remus' hand flutters over his own and then moves away with a grace that Sirius forces himself to memorize, a slow sweep and movement of elegant fingers. That near (almost) contact is better than hearing Remus say it's true. Because it is true.
It's almost like a feeling he doesn't want to say yet. Because even though there must be a rule about falling in love with your friend, there has to be an exception and that exception is Remus.
But Remus quickly leaves then, all in a blur of motion and paper and hastily shut books and Sirius is left to wait and think. Something which he has never quite done before.
It's the wanting that's the problem. Because Remus wants and he desires and he's so damned tired of being the Other, of being locked inside his mind, in his skin, his body betraying him every full moon, and his trust and loyalties always negated by the very fact that he is not just Remus Lupin, he is also a monster.
And he Wants.
He wants to be loved, he wants friends and a good life and he wants to pass Potions and he wants a future that isn't bound by the moon.
He wants to enjoy Astronomy instead of counting down until the next time and he doesn't want James, Peter, and most of all, Sirius, keeping a countdown with him just because they're his friends and god, how he wants most of all - he wants -
And that's the worst part: because Sirius knows and how does he bide his time so easily?
It's as if he has all the time in the world (and he does). He can make everyone notice him and see him as larger than life and how Sirius doesn't understand that he can hold the very world in the center of hand with such ease will one day drive either Remus or Sirius himself mad. Even when he's his most dangerous, Sirius is the most beautiful and when he is his most careless, he is the most powerful. He is always Sirius Black.
And that is everything that Remus loves and doesn't quite hate about him. And he knows, oh how he knows, Sirius is going to tell him something he wants so very, very damned badly.
So then, when Sirius meets him down an empty corridor, and they try to remain right friends, he just gets so fucking tired of it all: the way Sirius walks so proudly, the way he sneaks glances when he thinks Remus isn't looking, and the way it's all so easy.
He wants to tear it, rip it apart, and it's not the wolf that desires this, it's Remus.
Remus is the monster.
Their book bags fall to the ground as Remus shoves Sirius against the wall, and his hands search everywhere and nowhere. And they kiss, messy, hard, and long. It is greedy and it is want and it is tongues discovering things new and reckless.
It is a craving that never ends, it is hideously wrong and Remus is breaking all his careful, cautious rules and he does not care.
Somehow clothing moves away just at the most opportune moments and their cocks slide against one another and Sirius makes a noise, the sound of want, one hundred proof, something Remus could get drunk on in mere seconds. Sometime, some wonderful moments later, there are hands and neither screams, but there isn't silence either.
And all Sirius says is, "Bless the witch or wizard who invented cleaning spells."
Remus leaves as quickly as he manages, but the want, that never leaves.
Sirius waits for Remus to wake, the night before had been a closer call than any of them had liked. (James' exact words: "Oh Fuck. Bugger.")
One long scar is healing slowly across Remus' chest, it's a personal and unintended mark from his Animagus form (during a desperate moment in order to reign in the wolf), but thankfully, unlike so many scars marking and decorating his body, it will heal. And those scars, pale or red, placid or angry, it doesn't matter, they are Remus' eternal history.
Not only does Remus live with the knowledge of being a werewolf, he sees it spread and grow across his flesh, and Sirius feels a spark of anger sweep across him and he very nearly hits some part of the battered shack.
"Moony," he says, so damned tired of the silence, all muddled up with the rare moments of unexpected (what - romance? lust?) something, "Moony, it's time to rise and shine. Or rise and groan."
"Mmmmppphhhhhh," Remus groans.
"Ah, knew that suited you better," Sirius says, but the words are hollow and dry in his mouth. The false cheer falls apart halfway in his throat.
Remus tries to sit up and Sirius quickly puts a stop on that. "Er, you got a bit-"
"Padfoot and Prongs kept me in check," Remus mutters, neither a question nor statement, wincing as he observes the red scar down his torso. "At least it'll heal."
"Sorry about that."
"No need to apologize." And there, like the very moment he never expected, Remus cups Sirius' face, and this is it, slow and right and patient, and finally he has regained his footing.
He opens his eyes lazily, a smile forming out of happiness from their kiss. "You realize you'll have to spoil me rotten to keep me, don't you, Moony?"
Remus' laugh is dry and low, but Sirius' hard laugh makes up for it.
"When I'm in better sorts, I'll buy you tons of chocolate and flowers."
"Clearly you don't realize the way to my heart is some good shagging."
"Really," Remus murmurs, and Sirius can't help sneaking a quick kiss that is not at all as quick as he originally meant. "I thought the sex was guaranteed."
"You're a terrible tease."
"You're a terrible arse. Prat."
"I believe you found nothing wrong with my arse these past few weeks."
Remus sighs, but a faint blush briefly crosses his cheeks and for all that Remus has wondered about what he can do to a bunch of foolish girls (and what was about that crowding? He will never figure out that mystery, give him werewolves any day), Sirius can never possess the ability to look so old and young and innocent and just so damned right, and Remus drives him just so mad and there, the words are there, waiting and Sirius' impatience gets the better of him once again.
"Moony, there's something that needs to be said. Before you start giving me poetry and loads of presents-"
"Mmm, yes, I'm rather much like that, aren't I? Great mushy romantic." Remus raises his eyebrows and several minutes of fucking amazing kissing pass before he manages to get back on track, and he thinks to himself, "thank you very much, stupid bloody sexy werewolf."
And he means it. He truly does.
"Right. Anyway, I think I rather-"
"Sirius, I think we fell in love around the same time." Remus is doing something wonderful with Sirius' hair, stroking it just right and Sirius says nothing, even though he has to bite back a rather clever remark with several double entendres.
"So sex then?"
Remus' laugh is the most wonderful sound and worth the fall.